If you’re like me, your family holidays are a mix of cherished traditions—matching pajamas, decorating the tree, binge-watching classic movies—and the unspoken expectations that turn festive gatherings into emotional minefields.
One of the biggest sources of conflict? Outdated parenting methods that once felt “normal” but now leave you fuming when extended family direct them at your kids.
You’ve been there:
- Whispers just loud enough to hear.
- Strategic questions disguised as “helpful advice.”
- Comments that feel like daggers of shame, criticism, and comparison.
Familiar Comments From Extended Family
To you:
- “My parents would never have allowed that…”
- “Have you tried reading some parenting books?”
- “Your sibling never has these problems with her kids.”
- “You need to be firmer, or they’ll get worse.”
To your teen:
- “Have you thought about college yet?”
- “Why don’t you spend more time with us like your cousins?”
- “I spent all day cooking, so you’d better eat!”
While these remarks might come from a place of love or concern, they erode connection. Instead of bringing you and your teen closer, they create walls of resentment.
The Eye-Opening Exercise That Changed Everything
During my coach training, I experienced a powerful exercise about the impact of shame. We were asked to move between two sides of the room:
One side represented acceptance, affirmation, and encouragement, while the other embodied shame, criticism, and failure.
After walking back and forth between the two, the heaviness of shame became unbearable. Despite returning to the “safe” side, the lingering effects of shame were overwhelming. Finally, with tears running down my face, I asked the instructor, “When will this end?”
Her answer was profound:
“When you decide it ends.”
She explained:
- Shame is a weapon used to control and diminish self-confidence.
- It’s up to you to stop engaging with it.
- Just as you wouldn’t harm yourself if someone handed you a weapon, you can refuse to carry shame.
That realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I decided, then and there, to stop playing the game.
How Shame Shaped Past Parenting Styles
Shame-based parenting methods have deep roots. Until the mid-20th century, they were considered the moral high ground. Parents believed shaming instilled discipline and values.
But we now know better. Shame doesn’t build confidence or connection. It destroys them, and quickly!
That’s why waiting for your family to “get it” and stop using shame is a losing battle. And if I’m honest, I’ve unknowingly used shame-based tactics in my own parenting:
- Using guilt to get compliance.
- Threatening affection withdrawal to control behavior.
It’s time to ask yourself:
“When will I choose to end the cycle?”
Choosing Boundaries Over Shame
Healthy boundaries offer a powerful alternative to shame. They foster trust and respect, empowering your teen while preserving your values. And the best part? They don’t require anyone else to change first.
Here’s the shift:
- Instead of saying, “You need to text me every hour, or I can’t trust you’re making good choices,” try:
“When you go out with friends, I’d like to find a balance of knowing you’re safe and you feeling I trust you. What’s the best way for us to stay in touch?”
Boundaries focus on your needs while inviting collaboration. They create space for understanding and accountability without guilt or coercion.
How Boundaries Improve Holiday Harmony
The holidays can be particularly tricky when you’re navigating family dynamics. But with boundaries in place, you can reclaim your peace and protect your family culture.
For example:
- If a relative comments on your parenting, you might respond:
“I appreciate your concern, but we’ve found what works for us, and we’re sticking with it.” - If your teen feels pressured to engage more than they’re comfortable with, you could say:
“We’re here to enjoy the day, but it’s okay to step away if you need a break.”
Boundaries let you focus on what matters—connection, respect, and shared joy—without giving in to old patterns of shame or control. Boundaries empower you to own your experience without needing anyone else to ‘get it’ or agree.
Your Next Move Toward Shame-Free Parenting
Breaking free from the shame cycle isn’t just about surviving the holidays with family —it’s about transforming your relationship with your teen.
This January, I’m launching How to End the School Power Struggle, a program designed to help you:
- Set boundaries that foster trust and respect.
- Navigate family conflict without shame or guilt.
- Empower your teen to thrive with confidence and responsibility.
Join the waitlist today and take the first step toward building a shame-free family culture. Don’t wait for change—choose it now.
