Few things in life are more complicated, more emotionally charged, than family, especially during holidays or milestones. This past Thanksgiving, I realized something major: I finally let go of who I thought I had to be and embraced who I am.
Using a sports analogy, here’s what I mean…
Imagine I come from generations of rugby players, trained to play the same game, with a clear goal—to win or at least look good trying. I learned all the plays and strategies, constantly told my family would only value and love me if I could meet their expectations on the field.
When I questioned their strategies or offered different plays that only brought harsher criticisms.
Despite my efforts, I was criticized, labeled as “not enough,” and drilled harder to fit into their mold. I sacrificed my physical, mental, and emotional health to earn their approval.
But the truth was, I wasn’t a rugby player and never would be.
So, I made the decision to walk off the field.
Leaving was terrifying. Rugby was all I knew, so it felt natural to choose a partner from another rugby family, thinking, “We’ll do things differently.” Spoiler alert: It didn’t work because whether it’s Rugby Union or Rugby League, it’s still rugby. And in that game, I’d always lose.
Years of healing later, I found my true “sport”—soccer. I found a team who valued me for who I was. No more forcing myself into others’ expectations and feeling inherently flawed; instead, I was encouraged to do what felt right without requiring me to change.
Today, I watch my family from the sidelines, and although I no longer participate, I respect their love for the game they’ve mastered. And I’ve gained something precious: authenticity and freedom from the crippling anxiety, resentment, and guilt of trying to fit a mold.
The peace and calm I experience now is priceless. I no longer abandon myself to earn conditional approval or crumbs of counterfeit belonging. Instead, I spend holidays with people who value and respect me in our similarities AND our differences.
Teens Need Emotional Safety at Home to Thrive
Your teen needs safety, not just physically but emotionally. They’re looking to you for messages about their worth, lovability, and enoughness. They’re assessing emotional safety based on your non-verbal cues—tone, actions, and expressions—all while growing into their authentic selves.
Ask yourself:
- Does my teen feel safe being fully themselves at home, expressing their developing individuality?
- Do I embrace their differences, or do I prize sameness as the route to love and acceptance?
Oh, and before you say YES…
…only they can answer these honestly because their perception is their reality. And just as I did, your teen will trade authenticity for safety to feel valued and avoid judgement or criticism.
“If I get to be me, I belong. If I have to be like you, it’s fitting in.” -12yo girl in an interview with Dr. Brené Brown.
The Cost of Ignoring Emotional Safety
There’s a distinction between being physically safe and feeling safe. Emotional safety is about fostering an environment where your teen can show up as themselves, without fear of criticism, letting you down or disappointing you. Without it, they’re likely to adopt behaviors that don’t align with who they truly are which increases anxiety, depression, angry outbursts, risky behaviour, addictions, and more.
These are the price of suppressing themselves to feel loved by you.
Your teen’s struggles in school aren’t a reflection of their worth—or yours as a parent. It’s a signal that they need help developing the tools and strategies to succeed, not more rules or restrictions.
If you’ve found yourself stuck in this cycle, know that there’s hope. You can motivate your teen without daily battles. It starts by shifting the focus from punishment to partnership, and from fear to confidence.
The Stakes Are Higher Than Ever
In a world where external influences are everywhere, home should be a sanctuary for your teen’s mental health and authenticity. When you create emotional safety (this includes boundaries), you become the influence they seek for guidance, not the one they feel they need to rebel against.
Ready to Build Safety Over Sameness?
Creating emotional safety isn’t about overlooking bad behavior or permissiveness; it’s about empowering your teen to be open, genuine, and self-confident during the most awkward stage of life. The key to their mental health and resilience lies in feeling valued for who they are, not merely for what they do.
Get the proven strategies to more influence, trust and respect by joining me and other caring parents today!
See you soon,
