If you’ve ever tried to reason with your teen during an argument, you’ve probably noticed it doesn’t go as planned. Instead of calming down or listening to your wisdom and logic, they get more frustrated, or shut down.
It feels like you’re speaking two different languages—and in a way, you are.
Here’s the thing: the way your teen’s brain is wired makes reasoning impossible when they’re upset. Understanding how their brain works will help you calm their emotions, lower the stress, and actually be heard.
Teen emotions are all gas pedal and no brakes 😬
When your teen is upset, their brain is emotionally hijacked. At this moment, the part of their brain responsible for logical thinking is offline. That’s why reasoning with them feels like talking to a wall. They simply don’t have the bandwidth to process it—yet.
As adults, we’re wired to use logic first. We think, “If I can just explain why this matters, they’ll calm down and see my point of view.
Then my teen will relate to what I’m saying and feel the way I do about this.”
But that’s not how the teen brain works. ❌
It’s as simple as 1, 2, 3.
Your teen’s brain works in the opposite way to you adult brain because they’re emotionally sensitive and reactive. Here’s what it looks like for them:
- Regulate First: They need to calm their emotions to get their executive function back online.
- Relate Second: They need to feel like you understand their experience and emotions.
- Reason Last: Once they’re calm and feel understood, then they can hear your reasoning and logic.
When you try to reason with your teen while they’re emotionally hijacked, you’re skipping the first two steps. This only makes them feel more misunderstood and defensive, escalating the conflict or shutting them down completely.
Here’s What Works Instead
If reasoning doesn’t work, how do you actually communicate with your teen and lower the tension? It’s all about regulating emotions first, then relating to them (they have no interest in relating to you…). Once they’re calm, they’ll be ready to listen.
Here’s a quick breakdown of what you can do:
- Help Them Regulate: When your teen is upset, lead with empathy. Stay calm, acknowledge their feelings, and offer validation (neither of which require agreement). Try saying something like, “I can see this is really frustrating for you.”
- Relate to Them: Once they’re calmer, make sure they know you get it. This builds trust and emotional safety. You could say, “I remember feeling the same way when I was your age.”
- Engage Their Reasoning: Only after they’re calm and feel understood should you offer logic or advice. That’s when they’ll be more open to listening and processing what you have to say. *Bonus points for being curious and helping your teen process and reason through their experience BEFORE you layer on your sage wisdom.
Why This Approach Works Long-Term
When you consistently lead with empathy, you’re not just solving the immediate conflict. You’re teaching your teen how to regulate their emotions and handle tough situations without needing constant intervention.
Parents who switch from reasoning first to regulating first often see their teen:
- Communicate more openly and calmly without fear of judgement.
- Take more responsibility for their actions (handle schoolwork, chores, etc.)
- Come to you with struggles or challenges rather than hide them, and actively seek your input on those
This approach doesn’t just lower conflict in the moment—it builds a stronger, more connected relationship long-term.
Ready to stop the constant conflict and help your teen regulate their emotions? Join my FREE 10-Day Listening Challenge! Get simple, effective scripts and strategies delivered straight to your inbox. In just 3 minutes a day, you’ll learn how to:
- Calm emotional blow-ups
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- Build connection as your teen’s trusted advisor
