Struggling with your teen’s school challenges can feel like a never-ending battle. They don’t finish their homework, avoid responsibilities, and push back against every rule you set. You’re trying your best to guide them, but nothing seems to stick.
Here’s a question that could transform your approach: Are you setting boundaries or imposing expectations?
It’s a small distinction with a massive impact, especially when it comes to motivating your teen to care and take responsibility. Learning how to set clear, healthy boundaries (and not just enforce expectations) can reduce conflict, boost their confidence, and help you build the connection required for greater influence.
What’s the Difference Between Boundaries and Expectations?
Boundaries are about mutual respect and communication. They focus on what you need to feel safe and respected while giving your teen the autonomy to make their own decisions. For example:
- “When you use the car, I need to know where you are so I feel comfortable. What’s the best way for you to share that?”
Expectations, on the other hand, are often about controlling your teen’s behavior to achieve specific outcomes. They tend to sound like:
- “You need to text me every hour, or you’re not using the car again.”
While expectations can feel logical, they’re met with resistance because teens perceive them as criticism or micromanagement. Boundaries, by contrast, focus on collaboration and respect, helping your teen feel trusted and empowered.
How Boundaries Can Help with School Challenges
Let’s talk about a common scenario: your teen is falling behind in school, and you’re worried they don’t care.
If you set an expectation, it might sound like this:
- “You have to finish all your homework before dinner, or no phone for a week.”
This approach might work temporarily, but using a pain point to change your teen’s behaviour is coercion, so over time it erodes respect and connection with your teen. They’re likely to feel judged or controlled, which triggers more defiance or withdrawal. Instead, a boundary approach could sound like:
- “I’ve noticed schoolwork has been overwhelming lately and I’d like to support you. Help me understand what’s working and what’s not so we can come up with a plan together.”
This shifts the focus from compliance to collaborative problem-solving. It empowers your teen to take ownership of their responsibilities while reassuring them that you’re in their corner.
Why Boundaries Work Better
Boundaries aren’t about lowering your standards—they’re about creating a safe space where your teen can fall, fail, grow, and succeed. When you focus on understanding why they’re struggling instead of simply enforcing what they need to do, you’ll uncover the root causes of their behavior.
For example:
- Is your teen avoiding schoolwork because they’re afraid of failing?
- Do they feel overwhelmed by their workload or unrealistic expectations?
- Are they unsure how to ask for help without feeling judged?
By setting boundaries, you create room for these conversations to happen. Instead of feeling criticized, your teen feels empowered to choose their path, which makes them more likely to step up and take responsibility.
What If Boundaries Aren’t Respected?
One of the biggest fears parents have is, “What if my teen ignores the boundary? What do I do then?”
First, let’s be clear: Boundaries aren’t just suggestions—they’re commitments to your own well-being and your teen’s growth. If a boundary isn’t respected, it’s important to respond calmly and consistently.
For example, if your teen doesn’t check in after using the car, you might say:
- “We agreed you’d let me know where you are while using the car. I noticed you didn’t check in. Help me understand what happened?”
This invites accountability without criticism. If the behavior continues, reinforce the boundary:
- “I need to feel comfortable about your safety. Until we have a clear plan, I’m not comfortable letting you use the car.”
Boundaries aren’t about punishment—they’re about creating understanding of each other which increases respect and responsibility through consistent actions.
Why This Matters for Your Relationship
Here’s the truth: Teens need boundaries to feel safe, even if they push against them (and trust me they will). When you approach your teen with curiosity and collaboration within your limit instead of control, you model the respect and accountability you want them to develop.
Over time, this increases trust. And when your teen feels trusted, they’re more likely to open up, try harder, and take responsibility for their choices—including their schoolwork.
Take the Next Step Toward Positive Change
If you’re feeling stuck in endless power struggles over school, it’s time to try something new. That’s why I created my program, How to End the School Power Struggle, launching in January as part of my 5 Day Challenge.
How to End the School Power Struggle is designed to help parents like you:
- Set effective boundaries that reduce conflict
- Understand the root causes of your teen’s struggles
- Build a connected relationship that motivates your teen to succeed—without nagging or punishment.
Don’t let another semester pass by in frustration and stress. Join the waitlist today to get early access and start transforming your relationship with your teen.
Over time, this increases trust. And when your teen feels trusted, they’re more likely to open up, try harder, and take responsibility for their choices—including their schoolwork.
