After my last month of experiencing an unsustainable pace and the subsequent crash, I have been curious what viruses my mind is holding on to that got me there.
As I mentioned in my last post, there is that recurring belief that I must be all things to all people to be loved. This includes being a full Yes person, having no personal boundaries around time or relationships, and generally putting myself at the bottom of my list. I have tackled this belief before with the assistance of my coach and thought I did the work, and yet here it is again. When push came to shove, that destructive belief won over. I am working with my coach again to conquer this one and excited about what the change will bring.
My husband and I did a cleanse in April and I really enjoyed it. We basically ate no processed food (including all the sugars) with little dairy, no alcohol or vinegar and lean meats. Now, I am sauce person and I celebrate that part of me. My friends know it as well and always serve me extra sauce with any meal. Sounds fun and not hurting anyone, right? Another virus appeared. I saw how I used sauce to smother my food with all the processed flavor. I began to see a metaphor for how I was unwilling to see truth in me, so I was covering it something that looked and tasted better (staying really busy to avoid me). After three weeks of eating mostly all natural food, I feel great and have lost weight just from the lack of processed sugars and salt on top of my food.
Through this I also noticed how much my inner child was using processed sugar for a hit of love. Yes, the old adage of food = love was still going on in my unconscious. Even now, when I feel tired and my inner child wants to rest or take a break I notice I crave sugar. I am using this ‘red flag’ as a way of rewiring my communication with my body. Instead of having it need sugar, what if the message I heard was ‘take a break’ or ‘have some fun’. Even then, that is only half the battle. I think there was a time that my brain heard those messages from my body, but I did not listen and act on them for so long that my body started to get what it needed in other and less constructive ways.
I have felt captive by food for most of my life. Even now when there are left over potato chips in the house from birthday parties I got my husband to through them out because I was eating a small bowl every day! A treat is fine, but I was feeling worse and worse every day. The message I kept giving my body was that food, junk food to be exact, was the only way to reward it for a job well done. Or even just to cope through tough and tiring days.
I am not saying that potato chips in moderation are bad. Given what I was realizing in my belief system, I needed to go back to having none to really change the neuro pathway around rewards and listening to my body.
My computer hardware analogy seems all to appropriate for me as I also just switched from a PC to a MAC last week. I am learning a new operating system, undoing many of the old ways. Funny isn’t it, that MAC holds about 5% of the market share but many people say it is much better? Well, I would rather take the road less travelled if there are greater risks and riches along the way. And, as fewer people in life also take that path, many will say I am crazy and should have stayed with the masses.
There are more mind viruses that I know of and even more that I don’t. The key is staying curious in finding those mind viruses and getting the support I need to make the changes, even it is means an entirely new operating system.